I miss you mom :)

Mom - two years ago today, my life changed. I lost the one of the most important persons in my life. You. My mother. My Mom.


“They” say that anyone can be a mother but not everyone is a Mom. You were a mom – a grandmother- nope a Nanny – a great-grandmother – nope wrong again, a Great Nanny, you were a Nanny-Mol too –you were a Grammie– and a Great Grammie as well. You were Aunt Myrna, you were a sister, and you were a friend.

Reflecting back to that day – I remember feeling such disbelief and such pain. Real pain in my heart. My heart broke that day. All of the lost things that would never be said. All of the lost things that would not be shared. All of the lost things that would never be done again. Never again.

I know now that back then- before your death - I didn’t know that you were one of the important people in my life. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. I mean I knew but I didn’t know it – I was so stubborn probably just didn’t want to admit it – haha.

You were the ‘core’ of our family –I can feel that now. We lost our ‘glue’ and if you have ever lost your glue – you know what I mean. Things are different. Mom- you really were the ‘ruler’ of our ‘kingdom’. If anyone pissed you off – be rest assured life would be miserable wouldn’t it?

I remember fighting with Gordon back in my early twenties – and you made us stop. You were the one to say ‘smarten up’ (well actually it was ‘smarten the hell up’). I remember you telling me you didn’t care what it was about (after trying to convince you I was right and he was wrong – he was wrong – just sayin’) and that he was my brother and you weren’t going to ‘have it’. You would have ‘half killed us’ if we didn’t…

Mom – you were not perfect – oh you had your imperfections all right. Nobody is perfect… You weren’t perfect but you loved us – you really did. If you were alive I would challenge anyone to go to you and tell you that Kailie had done something wrong –they’d have been lucky to come out alive, wouldn’t they Mom? I think that this went for anyone you loved. Of course the ones you weren’t fond of – well I admire your spunk and perseverance. I got a lot of your qualities – yep I did – and proud of it -you should know that.

So much has changed and so many things I can hear your voice telling me your opinion. When something happens I can hear your words in my head. I am always joking with Dad on some of the things he says or does that HE will probably have to deal with you before I do so ‘Go ahead’. Haha! You know what I’m talking about Mom – you already know 

Dad sold the house this past summer. I can tell you honestly that since the day that house sold I have NEVER looked in – I have not looked at the house, the garage, the yard. When we drive by I turn my head and look the other way. I cannot do it. I know that I don’t look in because I am afraid that something has changed. I know that this is ridiculous – of course they will eventually change something. I only have realized recently that I can imagine you in that house – in all the rooms. I can see you cooking, I can see you in the dining room. I can see you in the livingroom, bedroom – everywhere I can SEE you. I think that I’m afraid that if something changes(and I see those changes) I’ll not ‘see’ you anymore. I’ll forget. Perhaps I imagine that you’re not gone – that I can run up those stairs, burst through the door and you will be there. If everything stays the same, and I don’t look – I will have you forever?

I do believe that you are an angel up there – I’m not sure if you are watching all the time. I think you’re probably too busy – I’m sure you are looking after Bonnie and all those that went before you – and those that went after. I can only imagine your conversation when Uncle Larry and Uncle Winston showed up.

I realized –Mom - as many kids do- that as I aged that you and dad were right about a lot of things. There was a time – about the ages of Tara and Kay now- when I thought you guys parents knew ‘nothing’ – you were too ‘old’. As I grew up I realized more and more how much you really did know. I know that I got to tell you that before you died – for that I’m grateful. Now I frequently think – if only I had a chance to get your wisdom on something or the other. Wow did I ever take for granted the time I had with you and for that I’m sorry. I know that even if I had been given more time I probably would have wasted it. But I think at times that is human nature – at least my human nature.

Aunt Bea has been such a life saver – she misses you so much too. We talk a lot about you when she’s here. Some things I’m better not knowing…haha!

I think you have been looking down over the events of the past two years. I know you are sad with how some things turned out –but also with happiness at others. Of course I know you are pissed about other things – haha – Mom-don’t forget Karma does exist  Most of all I hope that you know that I’m doing the best I can with what I know right now….. And some things I cannot change because I don’t have control over everything – nor do I make all the choices – things would be ‘right’ if I did – haha. I think she will grow up Mom – hopefully sooner rather than later

You are so very much missed. I think more than you could ever imagine. Something is missing – and that something is you. The girls miss you. Gone way too soon. They were suppose to come and see you that night – I feel so guilty that I didn’t take them on Monday night mom. Wes misses you too – he loved you so much-you were a second mother to him – you knew that – and he knew that.

Mom, I love and miss you every.single.day. As long as I’m alive you will be remembered and cherished.

Sue

PS: By the way going ‘across the lines’ isn’t as fun now – not without you.

Peace.

Today was the day that we finally laid my mom to rest.....

Mom passed away on January 19 2010 and we buried her today, May 28, 2010.

I expected it to be a tough day...and it was...no more and no less than I expected.  That was nice don't ya think?

I've been thinking about posting this blog entry all day and couldn't decide what exactly I wanted to say...when my blog posts are 'really good'...my entries are easy and they flow out of my head and to the page with ease....I wanted this one to be 'really good'...do you feel that way?

So i wanted to tell you all how I felt like today was the 'end' of the mourning period.  She is at rest...we are not waiting for something new to happen ....something new to do.....after the funeral I helped dad with all the 'stuff' but this thing -the burial- was out there looming over head...about to drop.  I want you to understand...I didn't feel 'at peace'... I felt like i could really start "living" all those things that I've been tellin my dad. and my girls and my husband.....You know..."she is in a better place".."she's with Bonnie (my sister)" "death is a part of life" and it goes on and on... But I didn't feel peaceful - i was still shocked...I was still 'alone'...I still missed her like nothing else I've ever felt before.  Wasnt sure how exactly i was going to get on with it - except for thinking logically - you know...all the things above.....  I was no longer going to be selfish in my grief.

So that was what i wanted to tell you.....but heres the post that I didnt know about yet.....

I have to roll back to two days before my mom died - it was a Sunday and I went to breakfast with my good friend Krista - she told me about these 6x12 scrapbook albums at 'A Pile of Scrap'  -   I went over after visiting mom and spent $50.00 on the album and two sets of refills - I've wanted to scrap that size for a long time. OK so that in itself is weird for me - I am a "$10.00 album" buyer.  And aforethought to buy the refills - hell I fly by the seat of my pants - AND i never confine myself to a 'size' of album.  I decide when i scrap -what I scrap and what size the page will be - so why woudl i buy all those refills - it would probably be a 'few time' thing--- why woudl I need so many??? (Ok i have a few exceptions to my 'any size rule'  but you know what i'm saying).  So I buy the album and two sets of refills - stash it away on my desk and kind of forget about it. 

OK now my 'in general' story -when I scrap I love it - it doesnt come easy and WOW there have been some color/paper combos that just dont 'go' but I chalk those up to - well it's done - move on!  I use lots of sketches - I LOVE sketches - I rarely think of an idea on my own- usually its a direct 'case' (copy and steal everything).  I have had very few pages that I get done and say 'perfect - i love it' there is usually something that I see that i would change.  I will admit it here....I am a bonafide Kim Martha wanna be - AND NO her layouts werent my layouts that she 'cased' from me...I case hers -shocking I know HAHA (for non scrapbookers - Kim Martha is an amazing scrapbooker (among other things) and I'm always teasing and saying SHE gets her ideas from ME --teasing will probably continue).  I often have a 'pending' folder of scrapbook pages...You know the ones...I have to think of a title...I have to get the words to the journaling...Sometimes i cut all the papers and leave them for later...as i'm uninspired...

Lately from time to time I think -does it really matter that I scrapbook...does it make a difference? The girls have lots of albums right now - and in my 'mortality' voice - should I be spending my time elsewhere? doing other things?

Next 'background' item and I will get on with it.  The girls (my nieces) did up posters for mom's funeral/visitation - when done - I peeled the pics off and brought them home..... (basically being handed pics of everyone in the family and the pics that hold special meaning - can you say the hard part of choosing pics is OVER?)  Lots of the pics mom is looking away or to the side etc etc.....

This is the "getting on with it" part....

So I get the pics and decide - HEY that 6x12 album - I'm going to do it - I've got the album - it's going to be 'memories' and include Mom AND Dad and other members of the family...its going to be about them - from my point of view - its going to be good and it's going to be bad.... it's going to be real.  I decide 'nows the time to pull out those 'special' papers' (OK non scrapbookers - we scrapbookers often buy hoards of 'special' paper that we never use as then it would be used and we will no longer have it.....kinda like using the 'good china')

Well I start this album...and something amazing happens...I create page after page after page of layouts...COMPLETE layouts(yes they are 6x12). (shoudl I mention that there are only about 10 different sketches for this size album and basically the pages are my own...not 'exact replicas') The Journaling ....titles.... are almost completely DONE (most of the undone is some journaling that needs to be retyped and printed or one element) -they are ready to go in the page protectors (I want to take pics to upload them thats why they arent in the page protectors haha). AND a feeling I am embarrassed to admit - I don't care what anyone 'thinks' of the pages.  I am happy with them as they are - now I will tell you - they will not appear PERFECT to you all - you will think that they are simple or not matching or they 'need' something perhaps.... but I LOVE them ..... I am not merely "satisfied" with them....I really like them.  The pics are not perfect either but they are mine.  I mean i have papers flipping back and forth trying to decide...but then teh decision is 'there' and I make it and i like the end product.

I have been telling Wes how weird this is - I feel so 'good' about these pages...so 'satisfied'. I know he thinks I'm crazy - but I think you scrappers will know the feeling.  Like I accomplished something and am soothed....

So we have the burial today - long story short - I am feeling upset...'alone in a room full of people' and decide to go home....then decide I'll go get some scrapbook stuff at APOS - and come home and scrap.  The feeling I had been getting scrapbooking was what I needed.

So I'm breezing through layouts....I'm enjoying myself....I'm feeling peaceful. 

  Guys....I need a color of cardstock - I route around and find it...I am sticking and gluing and plain soothing my soul. 
I take out this patterned cardstock - owls on it - really 'gawdy' if i do say so myself.  I need another sheet of cardstock - weird color of blue - i route through my stash - oh there it is....I need brown (do you know how many shades of brown there are??) I find the exact brown....I look at my sketch as a guide.  I mount my pics on cardstock.  I place everything including gawdy owl print....  And I think......'I've done it again' -exactly what I wanted -I'm so clear...my head has the journaling, my title stickers are there, and the layout is perfect. 'How can this happen?' I think.  All of a sudden it dawns on me.

My mom is with me.  She has been with me - making this album.  Soothing my soul.  Making me at peace - except I didnt know it before.  She is in that friggin scrapbook room and she's helping me.  Well I start crying...and thanking her.  Saying out loud "Thank you Mom, thank you" and I look down - the picture I'm working on is one of few of her looking directly at the camera - in it she has this 'weird' look on her face - a look that says 'strange isnt it?' I cannot explain it but when I upload the page - you will see what I mean. 

This solidified the feeling that i had - my mom is with me - helping me do that book.  And I felt so 'peaceful' and 'complete'. 

Its kinda funny - my mom drank alot (alcohol) and after the funeral we all had a few too many drinks 'for mom' - dont get me wrong i COMPLETELY agree/agreed with it - it really truly was what mom would have wanted.  After the burial today we had food - mom was the best cook there was - so the food just wasnt 'the same' - I didnt feel like drinking - that wasnt me today - all I wanted to do was go home and be alone.  And i think that that really was my mom telling me to go home and do what I needed to do (crap i didnt know she'd be there or I would have run).

I know I sound really crazy and I'm sure that it's partly my emotions too from the day .  But I really think that my mom is watching over me now.  I feel it.  I've felt so lost without her - we were not really close or anything but I felt like we had so many un-done things.  I had this big hole in my heart yearning for her to come back - just for a minute so that I could say all the things I needed to say. 

I now feel that through my scrapbooks and journaling I'm telling her....and she is helping me to create them.......She is here.  She is here. 

 ****(note to all reading - should I start taking mom for drives with me or setting her place at the table, Wes will be checking me into the psych ward :) but for now- know that your friend feels real peace and if you have a loved one who is gone I truly wish this for you!)



PS - GO tell your mom you love her - even if she just pissed you off.  some day you just might regret it :) and will thank me :)

Happy Day!

Well I really meant to post more often than I have been - ah well sometimes life happens that way.

So last weekend was Mother's Day - it wasnt an easy day - up to the day I couldn't decide what I wanted to do - I knew that I didnt want to sit home and 'sulk' and I didnt want to go visit Dad - too painful (sorry Dad).  I also knew that I didnt want to be around my 'family' (not my hubby and kids but my brothers/sisters etc) - really not being nasty about it - but it would just be too painful.

I had told Wes a couple of weeks after mom died that i wanted to go away for Mothers Day - anywhere but not be at home.  A few weeks ago I went to a scrapbooking crop - I often meet up with my Grade 1 teacher there (Mrs. Clark - well now she's Mrs. Drury - but when she's your G1 teacher she's ALWAYS Mrs. xxxx kwim?).  She had attended the 'visitation' when mom passed away and at the crop asked how we were all doing.  Somehow we got talking about Mothers Day and she was saying what she and her daughter had done the first year after they lost her mom.  they had gone on a girls w/e and how they had found an antique shop and there were all these neat things that reminded her of her mother.  In talking with her I thought of the perfect place to go.  My mom LOVED shopping in the US - and the 'be-all/end-all' was Bangor - it was the 'ultimate'!

So I got home and told Wes my plan - Bangor or Bust!  He wanted to come too and so the girls and I and Wes headed to Bangor on Saturday night before Mothers Day.  We had a great time - some tears - lots of laughs - but I knew that it was the right place for me to be on Mothers Day.  We bought canned milk, pudding and jello - milk, eggs and turkey - Mother would have been proud.  (Mother WENT to the US for canned milk - you know it's 20-30 cents less over there - haha (you NEVER factor Gas/eating etc into the equation - it's just cheaper!)  Her 'pudding/jello' drawer always had to be overflowing - not sure why as she rarely made any of it!)  I think Wes enjoyed it for the same reasons as me.

When we got home Wes gave me scrapbook papers (he had bought himself - haha) and rubber boots (for four wheeling) - Tara gave me 'flip flops' and mentos gum - bought with her own money - the best kind ;)  and Kailie made me a card.

It was a great end to a great day :-)  I hope all mothers were as blessed as I am and that all sons and daughters had a chance to tell their mothers they love them in their own way on Mothers Day.

xo

....Tomorrow is the beginning......

Well it's been almost one month since my mom has been gone......so strange.

My brother and his wife came Wednesday after she passed and have been staying with Dad since then.

Well tomorrow is the day.

The day that they head home - and so starts the beginning.

The beginning of the 'new' normal.

The NEW normal. But hey - i want the OLD normal back folks!

Every day has gotten a little easier - but I havent had to worry about Dad - he's had 'company' there for the past month. I have thought of her every single day. Every single day. Every Single Day.

Things I would have said to her. Things I still needed to know. Things she would have said to me. Dad was taken care of. Mom was taken care of.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

So tomorrow folks starts the hard work. This is where boys become men. This is where the proof is in the 'pudding'. This is it. This IS it.

For those that beleive - think of my dad as tomorrow IS it. His life ....alone.... really starts.

Shit.