Today was the day that we finally laid my mom to rest.....
Mom passed away on January 19 2010 and we buried her today, May 28, 2010.
I expected it to be a tough day...and it was...no more and no less than I expected. That was nice don't ya think?
I've been thinking about posting this blog entry all day and couldn't decide what exactly I wanted to say...when my blog posts are 'really good'...my entries are easy and they flow out of my head and to the page with ease....I wanted this one to be 'really good'...do you feel that way?
So i wanted to tell you all how I felt like today was the 'end' of the mourning period. She is at rest...we are not waiting for something new to happen ....something new to do.....after the funeral I helped dad with all the 'stuff' but this thing -the burial- was out there looming over head...about to drop. I want you to understand...I didn't feel 'at peace'... I felt like i could really start "living" all those things that I've been tellin my dad. and my girls and my husband.....You know..."she is in a better place".."she's with Bonnie (my sister)" "death is a part of life" and it goes on and on... But I didn't feel peaceful - i was still shocked...I was still 'alone'...I still missed her like nothing else I've ever felt before. Wasnt sure how exactly i was going to get on with it - except for thinking logically - you know...all the things above..... I was no longer going to be selfish in my grief.
So that was what i wanted to tell you.....but heres the post that I didnt know about yet.....
I have to roll back to two days before my mom died - it was a Sunday and I went to breakfast with my good friend Krista - she told me about these 6x12 scrapbook albums at 'A Pile of Scrap' - I went over after visiting mom and spent $50.00 on the album and two sets of refills - I've wanted to scrap that size for a long time. OK so that in itself is weird for me - I am a "$10.00 album" buyer. And aforethought to buy the refills - hell I fly by the seat of my pants - AND i never confine myself to a 'size' of album. I decide when i scrap -what I scrap and what size the page will be - so why woudl i buy all those refills - it would probably be a 'few time' thing--- why woudl I need so many??? (Ok i have a few exceptions to my 'any size rule' but you know what i'm saying). So I buy the album and two sets of refills - stash it away on my desk and kind of forget about it.
OK now my 'in general' story -when I scrap I love it - it doesnt come easy and WOW there have been some color/paper combos that just dont 'go' but I chalk those up to - well it's done - move on! I use lots of sketches - I LOVE sketches - I rarely think of an idea on my own- usually its a direct 'case' (copy and steal everything). I have had very few pages that I get done and say 'perfect - i love it' there is usually something that I see that i would change. I will admit it here....I am a bonafide Kim Martha wanna be - AND NO her layouts werent my layouts that she 'cased' from me...I case hers -shocking I know HAHA (for non scrapbookers - Kim Martha is an amazing scrapbooker (among other things) and I'm always teasing and saying SHE gets her ideas from ME --teasing will probably continue). I often have a 'pending' folder of scrapbook pages...You know the ones...I have to think of a title...I have to get the words to the journaling...Sometimes i cut all the papers and leave them for later...as i'm uninspired...
Lately from time to time I think -does it really matter that I scrapbook...does it make a difference? The girls have lots of albums right now - and in my 'mortality' voice - should I be spending my time elsewhere? doing other things?
Next 'background' item and I will get on with it. The girls (my nieces) did up posters for mom's funeral/visitation - when done - I peeled the pics off and brought them home..... (basically being handed pics of everyone in the family and the pics that hold special meaning - can you say the hard part of choosing pics is OVER?) Lots of the pics mom is looking away or to the side etc etc.....
This is the "getting on with it" part....
So I get the pics and decide - HEY that 6x12 album - I'm going to do it - I've got the album - it's going to be 'memories' and include Mom AND Dad and other members of the family...its going to be about them - from my point of view - its going to be good and it's going to be bad.... it's going to be real. I decide 'nows the time to pull out those 'special' papers' (OK non scrapbookers - we scrapbookers often buy hoards of 'special' paper that we never use as then it would be used and we will no longer have it.....kinda like using the 'good china')
Well I start this album...and something amazing happens...I create page after page after page of layouts...COMPLETE layouts(yes they are 6x12). (shoudl I mention that there are only about 10 different sketches for this size album and basically the pages are my own...not 'exact replicas') The Journaling ....titles.... are almost completely DONE (most of the undone is some journaling that needs to be retyped and printed or one element) -they are ready to go in the page protectors (I want to take pics to upload them thats why they arent in the page protectors haha). AND a feeling I am embarrassed to admit - I don't care what anyone 'thinks' of the pages. I am happy with them as they are - now I will tell you - they will not appear PERFECT to you all - you will think that they are simple or not matching or they 'need' something perhaps.... but I LOVE them ..... I am not merely "satisfied" with them....I really like them. The pics are not perfect either but they are mine. I mean i have papers flipping back and forth trying to decide...but then teh decision is 'there' and I make it and i like the end product.
I have been telling Wes how weird this is - I feel so 'good' about these pages...so 'satisfied'. I know he thinks I'm crazy - but I think you scrappers will know the feeling. Like I accomplished something and am soothed....
So we have the burial today - long story short - I am feeling upset...'alone in a room full of people' and decide to go home....then decide I'll go get some scrapbook stuff at APOS - and come home and scrap. The feeling I had been getting scrapbooking was what I needed.
So I'm breezing through layouts....I'm enjoying myself....I'm feeling peaceful.
Guys....I need a color of cardstock - I route around and find it...I am sticking and gluing and plain soothing my soul.
I take out this patterned cardstock - owls on it - really 'gawdy' if i do say so myself. I need another sheet of cardstock - weird color of blue - i route through my stash - oh there it is....I need brown (do you know how many shades of brown there are??) I find the exact brown....I look at my sketch as a guide. I mount my pics on cardstock. I place everything including gawdy owl print.... And I think......'I've done it again' -exactly what I wanted -I'm so clear...my head has the journaling, my title stickers are there, and the layout is perfect. 'How can this happen?' I think. All of a sudden it dawns on me.
My mom is with me. She has been with me - making this album. Soothing my soul. Making me at peace - except I didnt know it before. She is in that friggin scrapbook room and she's helping me. Well I start crying...and thanking her. Saying out loud "Thank you Mom, thank you" and I look down - the picture I'm working on is one of few of her looking directly at the camera - in it she has this 'weird' look on her face - a look that says 'strange isnt it?' I cannot explain it but when I upload the page - you will see what I mean.
This solidified the feeling that i had - my mom is with me - helping me do that book. And I felt so 'peaceful' and 'complete'.
Its kinda funny - my mom drank alot (alcohol) and after the funeral we all had a few too many drinks 'for mom' - dont get me wrong i COMPLETELY agree/agreed with it - it really truly was what mom would have wanted. After the burial today we had food - mom was the best cook there was - so the food just wasnt 'the same' - I didnt feel like drinking - that wasnt me today - all I wanted to do was go home and be alone. And i think that that really was my mom telling me to go home and do what I needed to do (crap i didnt know she'd be there or I would have run).
I know I sound really crazy and I'm sure that it's partly my emotions too from the day . But I really think that my mom is watching over me now. I feel it. I've felt so lost without her - we were not really close or anything but I felt like we had so many un-done things. I had this big hole in my heart yearning for her to come back - just for a minute so that I could say all the things I needed to say.
I now feel that through my scrapbooks and journaling I'm telling her....and she is helping me to create them.......She is here. She is here.
****(note to all reading - should I start taking mom for drives with me or setting her place at the table, Wes will be checking me into the psych ward :) but for now- know that your friend feels real peace and if you have a loved one who is gone I truly wish this for you!)
PS - GO tell your mom you love her - even if she just pissed you off. some day you just might regret it :) and will thank me :)