Thursday, January 19, 2012

I miss you mom :)

Mom - two years ago today, my life changed. I lost the one of the most important persons in my life. You. My mother. My Mom.

“They” say that anyone can be a mother but not everyone is a Mom. You were a mom – a grandmother- nope a Nanny – a great-grandmother – nope wrong again, a Great Nanny, you were a Nanny-Mol too –you were a Grammie– and a Great Grammie as well. You were Aunt Myrna, you were a sister, and you were a friend.

Reflecting back to that day – I remember feeling such disbelief and such pain. Real pain in my heart. My heart broke that day. All of the lost things that would never be said. All of the lost things that would not be shared. All of the lost things that would never be done again. Never again.

I know now that back then- before your death - I didn’t know that you were one of the important people in my life. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way. I mean I knew but I didn’t know it – I was so stubborn probably just didn’t want to admit it – haha.

You were the ‘core’ of our family –I can feel that now. We lost our ‘glue’ and if you have ever lost your glue – you know what I mean. Things are different. Mom- you really were the ‘ruler’ of our ‘kingdom’. If anyone pissed you off – be rest assured life would be miserable wouldn’t it?

I remember fighting with Gordon back in my early twenties – and you made us stop. You were the one to say ‘smarten up’ (well actually it was ‘smarten the hell up’). I remember you telling me you didn’t care what it was about (after trying to convince you I was right and he was wrong – he was wrong – just sayin’) and that he was my brother and you weren’t going to ‘have it’. You would have ‘half killed us’ if we didn’t…

Mom – you were not perfect – oh you had your imperfections all right. Nobody is perfect… You weren’t perfect but you loved us – you really did. If you were alive I would challenge anyone to go to you and tell you that Kailie had done something wrong –they’d have been lucky to come out alive, wouldn’t they Mom? I think that this went for anyone you loved. Of course the ones you weren’t fond of – well I admire your spunk and perseverance. I got a lot of your qualities – yep I did – and proud of it -you should know that.

So much has changed and so many things I can hear your voice telling me your opinion. When something happens I can hear your words in my head. I am always joking with Dad on some of the things he says or does that HE will probably have to deal with you before I do so ‘Go ahead’. Haha! You know what I’m talking about Mom – you already know 

Dad sold the house this past summer. I can tell you honestly that since the day that house sold I have NEVER looked in – I have not looked at the house, the garage, the yard. When we drive by I turn my head and look the other way. I cannot do it. I know that I don’t look in because I am afraid that something has changed. I know that this is ridiculous – of course they will eventually change something. I only have realized recently that I can imagine you in that house – in all the rooms. I can see you cooking, I can see you in the dining room. I can see you in the livingroom, bedroom – everywhere I can SEE you. I think that I’m afraid that if something changes(and I see those changes) I’ll not ‘see’ you anymore. I’ll forget. Perhaps I imagine that you’re not gone – that I can run up those stairs, burst through the door and you will be there. If everything stays the same, and I don’t look – I will have you forever?

I do believe that you are an angel up there – I’m not sure if you are watching all the time. I think you’re probably too busy – I’m sure you are looking after Bonnie and all those that went before you – and those that went after. I can only imagine your conversation when Uncle Larry and Uncle Winston showed up.

I realized –Mom - as many kids do- that as I aged that you and dad were right about a lot of things. There was a time – about the ages of Tara and Kay now- when I thought you guys parents knew ‘nothing’ – you were too ‘old’. As I grew up I realized more and more how much you really did know. I know that I got to tell you that before you died – for that I’m grateful. Now I frequently think – if only I had a chance to get your wisdom on something or the other. Wow did I ever take for granted the time I had with you and for that I’m sorry. I know that even if I had been given more time I probably would have wasted it. But I think at times that is human nature – at least my human nature.

Aunt Bea has been such a life saver – she misses you so much too. We talk a lot about you when she’s here. Some things I’m better not knowing…haha!

I think you have been looking down over the events of the past two years. I know you are sad with how some things turned out –but also with happiness at others. Of course I know you are pissed about other things – haha – Mom-don’t forget Karma does exist  Most of all I hope that you know that I’m doing the best I can with what I know right now….. And some things I cannot change because I don’t have control over everything – nor do I make all the choices – things would be ‘right’ if I did – haha. I think she will grow up Mom – hopefully sooner rather than later

You are so very much missed. I think more than you could ever imagine. Something is missing – and that something is you. The girls miss you. Gone way too soon. They were suppose to come and see you that night – I feel so guilty that I didn’t take them on Monday night mom. Wes misses you too – he loved you so much-you were a second mother to him – you knew that – and he knew that.

Mom, I love and miss you As long as I’m alive you will be remembered and cherished.


PS: By the way going ‘across the lines’ isn’t as fun now – not without you.


tabitha said...

I, we..miss her so much, and yes you are just like her, you have stubbornness, but you also have the drive she had, but i love you no matter what....your important to me, you may never realize how much you being my aunt really means to me, that means i get not only my mom from my nanny but i also get my aunt to have all those memories in 2 people that i hold so dear, i cherish you.....

i looked in at the house, it was sad, there was no lights, my Grampie was not looking out the window, i wanted to run up those steps and just for another moment someone being so happy to see me, feel that one more time would mean so much....

I love you Aunt Susie ......

Kimmartha said...

I only know your Mom through your words and memories. But, going by the absolutely amazing daughter she raised and that I am privileged to call friend, she was an incredible person.